EDITORIAL
Why is this column here? It's an interesting philosophical point. In one sense,
it's here to fill up the space between the pictures. In another, it exists to
set a certain tone for the issue — a low one, in general. And in a third,
I write it so I can puff up my already enormous ego by going on about all the
interesting things I've done and all the models I've shagged recently.
However, this month I have done absolutely nothing of any interest to anyone.
Not even myself. Last week I got an itchy foot, and the week before I missed a
couple of episodes of The Archers. That's about it.
So, this month Tease will concern itself with the wacky, daredevil doings of the
rest of the nutty Club bunch. And they are wild! Get a load of this lot:
Ian 'Man' Midson was shocked and disturbed to find that his terrapin had escaped.
However, after an exciting chase he discovered it alive and well in the pond at
the end of his garden. "It was lucky I found it when I did, or it could have
eaten my goldfish!" exclaimed a relieved Ian.
Vicky 'Thomas' Hardy went to her ballet classes. "I'm almost up to my embonpoints!"
she gushed. We're sure she is.
Rod 'Leonardo' Edwards fell in love. "She's a great shag," he said romantically.
We already knew that, Rod.
Lee 'A cup of tea, please' Lestat got drunk with an old mate. "We had a great
girlie chat," she said. "But then I got so drunk I was sick." New
boy Max, who nobody can be bothered to invent a nickname for, moved house and
did a bit of decorating. "Can I knock out a few decorating / sex related
puns for you, chief?" he panted ingratiatingly.
Ricky 'Richard' Guy went to see Michael Jackson at Wembley. "He was pretty
good, actually," he said in a Scottish accent.
Bill the Freelancer made a dirty video with two rude ladies, and then went to
a wedding where all the women had boobs over 38 inches. Bastard.
Maurice 'Tall' Short refused to get a sattelite dish, and has now not seen any
football for three months. "It's quite a relief, actually," he mumbled.
A pretty pathetic showing we think you'll agree. In desperation, we asked car
correspondent Horst Pipe if anything interesting had happened to him. "No,
not really," he answered. "Nothing interesting ever happens to me."
"Well, it has now," we told him. "This month's is the last column
of yours that will ever appear in Club. You're sacked."
Saying this cheered us up so much that we felt in the mood for some fun. We are
now off to shag the models, drink ourselves witless and take loads of drugs. We'll
tell you what it was like next month, if we're still alive... —The Editor
