EDITORIAL
THE SLEUTHSAYER
"Every year we welcome him into our home—often with fanfare and special
preparations," hails Hollywood Studio Magazine. "We wait with reverence
as he makes his much anticipated entrance. We watch with envy as his golden form
is lovingly caressed by his recipients. Just who is this Oscar anyway?' Gee...didn't
you think they were referring to Sleuth's annual "Anatomy Awards" extravaganza?
As Dustin Hoffman quipped while eyeing his Main Man: "He has no genitalia,
and he's holding a sword {again, not Sleuth, we hope!}, yet losing leading lady
Whoopi Goldberg was still thrilled: "I love the idea of getting nominated.
It's like a title, Oscar Nominee. Besides," she added, "I love movie
stars. I love gawking." Who doesn't, so we hope Whoopi won't turn the Color
Purple if she learns she's been put up on a pedestal along with 41 of her fellow
"Anatomy Awardees." And anatomy aside,
something else has been growing with each installment: from 28 of the select statue-esque
in the initial "Anatomy Awards" edition, to 39 in the second, and now
42 in the third! Surely no one else could bring you 109 Oscar winners and nominees
in the biggest undress rehearsal ever staged. And that's the naked Sleuth . .
.
"Today they don't glamorize the stars," lamented one Hollywood honcho,
"they undress them"... and our gold-digging has proven that the tastiest
morsels come in pairs: two each of ladies named LANGE {Hope & Jessica}, DIANE
{Ladd & Varsi}, MARGARET {Avery & Leighton}, and ELIZABeth {Hartman &
McGovern}. Why we've even got CLORIS and DORIS {Leachman & Day}, IRENE and
EILEEN {Cara & Brennan}, MELINA and LENA {Mercouri & Olin}! Only after
undressing "Newman's Own" in her salad days, in fact, do we crawl back
into the Woodward.
The Official Handbook of the Academy states: "For the trouble and expense
people go to acquire Oscar, his physical dimensions are not overly impressive'but
the perfect proportions of our protaganudes are what's allowed this third see-quel
to take shape. "In the mythology of the cinema," Federico Fellini once
said, "Oscar is the supreme prize." We hope our loyal readers feel the
same way about Sleuth . . .
And the Winner Is...
