7 NOTES & BOLTS 11 SEX RATED 15 LETTERS 17 FANTASY TAPE 20 Bette Midler Through Rose Colored Glasses
by Laszo Dalby
23 SUE
A Christmas Present
31 SHAMELESS TALES
Santa Claus is coming
40 THE EROTIC ART OF THE INCAS
Flashing, Fucking and Fellatio from Another Age
by Jane Dolinger
43 THE GREAT CANADIAN BEAVER HUNT
A Visit to the Bedrooms of the Nation
48 Annie
She Loves to Tease
54 PALADOSTRO
Love Slave to an Alien
by S.L.A. Wright
57 GREETINGS FROM BROWN Sugar
71 CORINNE
A Hot Box
79 DIARY OF A VIRGIN
91 YVETTE & MICHELLE
Ladies in Love
PUBLISHER'S PAGE
New Year's Predictions
Yes, I know New Year's is still a month away, but face it: last week in December,
first week in January everybody and his dog will be getting into the act. So,
before you're up to your ass in predictions and bored silly by the weighty pronouncements
of Johnny Carson, William F. Buckley and Kermit the Frog, we decided we'd give
you ours. So, settle back and get ready to be bored silly by THE PREDICTIONS OF
ELITE (thought up by myself and my incredibly brilliant staff or artists, writers
and janitors).
First, the much talked-about union of Poland and the Ukraine will become reality.
The inhabitants of the new country will be known as "Pukes" and, as
their first official act, will launch a massive lawsuit against Don Rickles for
a series of really offensive jokes.
Squads of trained Baptists will infiltrate the K.G.B., the Russian secret police,
and bring Russia to its knees ... in prayer. As a result, the persecution of artists
and dissidents will reach an all-time high.
Prince Charles will marry a commoner and turn into a frog. Hoping to break the
spell, Margaret Trudeau will kiss him and she will turn into a frog. Ronald Reagan will be elected President of the United States and will achieve
his first erection since 1953 by sending thousands of American men to die in Iran
under the slogan "Win one for the Gipper". Meanwhile, the American hostages
will quietly begin producing babies in the hopes of eventually outnumbering their
captors.
There will be many more nuclear power plant disasters with the result that an
organization called Radioactive Mutants Lib will begin bussing its members into
upper class neighborhoods and demanding their civil rights. Bo Derek will be revealed as seven laboratory-bred clones, each trained to perform
one simple task — smile, pout, fuck. A movement to give every man his own
Bo Derek will die for lack of interest.
Joe Clark will quit politics to manage Maureen McTeer's Prime Ministerial campaign.
In a massive bureaucratic fuck-up, Palestinian terrorists will take themselves
hostage. When they refuse to accede to their own demands they will mercilessly
slaughter themselves to a man. Larry Flynt will walk again and declare himself to be the Christ. Thousands will
die laughing. Sales of do-it-yourself cross kits will soar.
An investigation into bodies mysteriously missing from a DC-10 crash will reveal
that McConnell-Douglass is wHolly Owned by Mac-Donald's Hamburgers.
In a massive cultural exchange, the entire populations of North and South Ireland
will swap countries with the populations of Israel and the U.A.R. Fighting will
continue unabated.
On her deathbed, Mae West will whip off the covers and reveal to reporters that
she has always been a man.
And that's the truth. Would we lie to you? Are our lips moving?
