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EDITOR'S NOTE
OPENING UP
Why is it a healthy sexual outlet, practiced since the beginning of time, is still
a subject that people, straight or gay, don't like to mention? I am talking about
masturbation. (You know, that word you secretly looked up in the dictionary years
ago, and figured out that it meant playing with yourself.) Say it out loud right
now. When is the last time you heard that word spoken outside of a barroom or
bedroom? In an ordinary day, probably 75 million people masturbate and maybe ten
talk about it.
It wasn't always considered so disgraceful; according to The Joy of Gay Sex, the
ancient Egyptians believed that the Nile rose and fell each year due to the continuous
wanking of the god OSiris, and that all living things were created by his semen.
Spunk was a source of pride and health. Unfortunately, civilization has since
declared it, at the very least, unsuitable dinner conversation.
I won't get into all the old wives' tales that have been thrust upon us over the
years—you've heard them all so their ridiculousness is nothing new to you.
But although we seem to have gotten over our fears of warts and heart murmurs,
the mention of jerking off still causes tittering or embarrassment which I feel
is just as antiquated. When I recently ask a friend of a friend if he used Tube
to pull his tube, the room fell silent. My status as a pornographer allowed this
terrible "indiscretion" and the subject was quickly changed—but
I wanted an answer and never got one! I think that we should talk about masturbation
openly, at every social gathering, every company picnic, and every airport lounge.
So I'd like to start the ball rolling here by talking openly about my personal
masturbatory habits:
I've been what you might call a chronic masturbator my whole life. Twice a day
and sometimes an hour at a stretch. I once spent three weeks building a gizmo
out of duct tape and some plastic tubing; it attached to the showerhead in my
dorm to make one powerfully stimulating stream--I could direct it wherever I wanted.
(I took some very long showers.)
I went further than just popping a rod while I wrestled with my buddies; I cleverly
swiped their jockstraps and brought them home for further...research. It evolved
into a masturbatory ritual very quickly. The next step was to wear the stolen
jock-prize later and make sure its owner saw me in it when we changed. Not one
of those guys ever caught on. The final thrill was to go home and take pictures
of my hard dick (in the jock) and mail them to each guy. The thought of them opening
that mail in their bedrooms kept me hard for months afterward. If the guys ever
did speak of this, I wasn't around to hear it. I still have a few of the jockstraps,
and my favorite, once owned by Mark C. from the volleyball team, is frayed and
very yellowed (with age).
Although I've outgrown jock-filching and shower attachments, I continue to go
to great lengths to make each jerk-off session exciting. Often, I take twenty
minutes to adorn myself with my extensive collection of sexual hardware—some
homemade, some store-bought. (I'll spare you the list of toys—space is limited—suffice
it to say I'm open to anything.) Other times, just a few fingers in the right
places and the movies in my head are enough to get me off. (This simpler technique
is especially useful when I'm in the bathroom in my office.)
I put this forward because I feel that it is high time we get over our squeamishness
and denial when it comes to the fact that we yank our dicks—masturbation
needs to be constantly and publicly validated as the safest sex. Talk about it.
I ask almost every guy I meet how he does it. Because just as importantly, getting
the real dirt from someone about how he relates to his cock in private is fascinating
as hell. (Like masturbation itself, one never tires of it.)
So, here comes another of my informal little polls: how do you guys make yourselves
cum? Do you make noise? Overhand method or underhand swipe? Do you hold the magazine
in the air or leave it open on the bed? Have you ever cum before you were fully
erect? Have you ever wanked to the thought of an earlier wank? Do you just let
it splash onto your stomach and then eat it? How do you involve your balls? At
what point in your life did you "discover" your asshole? How have your
jerk-off habits changed over the years? Write in and tell me everything. Spill.
Because it isn't a dirty little secret anymore. (Plus, I'm always in the market
for tips and techniques I haven't thought of.)
Here's to your masturbatory health, guys. Remember one thing: as long as you have
a dick, you're never alone.
Doug McClemont
Editor-in-Chief
