4 BLAH!
5 THE DONE THING The Rev. Giles Uttoxeter
6 QUIZZLE
7 GOTCHA!
11 FUTILE SEX Halter Warris
13 ASHLEY Steve Easton
20 WORLD OF NOOKIE Ed Knox
21 REd LinE
22 SHARON Joanie Allum
28 MONSTERMIND Tym Manley
29 MIRREL Paul Brown
35 DAUGHTER OF DAPHNE
36 GabriellaJack Harrison
42 BUSINESS AS USUAL Lucinda Lantern
43 STEPHANIE Joanie Allum
52 THUNDERGONADS...AND THE BIG BOUNCY BOUNCY Denzil Rusk
55 BARBARA Rupert Daines
62 YOURS SINFULLY
67 MY CONFESSION
88 CHRISTINE John Graham
95 CLASSIFIEDS
EDITORIAL
Well, that's the shortest day over with — pity it couldn't fall on Christmas Day, really, but you can't have everything.
We men are, of course, far more sensitive to this winter solstice business than
any woman. (And to everything else, come to that — women have no shame!
Jump into bed alongside unshaven hulks with fat guts and hairy arses who simply
reek of drink, and enjoy it! Thank God.)
The winter solstice affects us men more because, from now on, the daze gets longer.
Which is nice.
And it's good to think something's getting longer, even though women insist size
doesn't matter.
(They only say that to see who looks most disappointed so they know who to get
off with, if you ask me — not that anyone has.)
Anyway, the good news is that from now on the evenings will be getting lighter.
Which is a bloody good thing! Got myself a double rupture trying to lift the evening
of December 29th and there was nothing underneath it but a used Durex and a copy
of Muffhair, and what use is that?
There is a problem with lighter evenings, of course. The basic laws of physics
dictate that lighter evenings make days top-heavy and they have a tendency to
fall on you.
You know what I mean. June 20th tipped over and crushed me into the dirt last
year. Didn't come round for a week. When I did I was lying on the kitchen floor
in just my Y-fronts with a pair of knickers on my head and a splitting headache
— in Beirut!
And with nothing to weigh them down, whole clumps of days just blow away. What
happened to July last year, for example? One windy day and the whole bloody month
was scattered all over the North York Moors. Which may seem a small thing, except that July 13th was the day I was booked to meet this stacked blonde with the prettiest bank account you've ever seen and fall head over heels into the middle of next week with her.
Although, as it turned out, next week was hanging from a blackthorn tree just
outside Howarth at the time. Which left us nowhere to fall, if we had met, so
perhaps it was just as well.
A lot of people scorn these lighter evenings. What's the point of them, they say;
all it means is you can see your skin turning blue with cold, or you could if
it wasn't for the freezing fog glueing your eyelashes together.
And it's true that it won't get warmer for a bit. Lighter evenings do not mean
you can instantly rush out and screw al fresco (although why a red-blooded
man should fancy Al. beats me).
But look on the bright side: if you freeze your nuts off you can actually find
them if its light. Do it in the dark and the only chance you've got of finding
them is when something goes crunch!
What I'm trying to say is that spring is coming. The friendly sun will warm the
frigid earth, the Sukebind will thrust its long fleshy shoots through the hot
wet mould, birds will sing, primroses will flare up. the grass will grow, bees
will start pressing their loads of pollen into the damp centres of flowers and,
when that happens, nothing can stop beautiful young women whipping their knickers off and falling flat on their backs in the verdant clover, thighs akimbo.
So just hold on a few months and nothing stands between you and sexual ecstasy, except one hell of a dose of hay fever./The Editors.
