7 STATEMENT 9 BITS & BITES
Crazy, Zany & Bizarre
15 RESTRICTED REVIEWS
20 INTERVIEW: Harry Reems
Porno's Ex-Prince by R. Allen Leider
27 ADVICE & CONSENT
33 SEX GUIDE
Lips for Lovers by Paul Brock
37 SUZY
Butterflies are Free
44 THE DAILY FUNNIES
Hilarious news articles by K. D. Yurk
47 RUSTLER HUMOR
49 Suzanne Somers
Three's Company Star Bares All
54 FLORIDA SUNSHINE GIRLS
They solicit on Miami Beach by Jack Maloney
57 INGA
64 PARADISE LOST
Reality is a drag by Tom R. Kovach
75 SUPERMARKET SEX
Mail-Order Sex
83 MANON
Dance for Joy
91 EROTIC ENCOUNTERS
Rear Delivery by William Mueller
93 STAR WHORES
Spaced-out Space Bunnies by Erik Larsen
PUBLISHER'S STATEMENT D.O.A. in T.O.
Dear Ma: Look at me! I'm dead and living in Toronto! I can hear you chuckling
and telling the folks that the big city has affected my mind. But it's the truth
— I am dead!
Let me explain before you go running off to make funeral arrangements, because
truth is stranger than fiction and this is the truth.
First of all, when I arrived in Toronto, I was very lonely (the people here ain't
too friendly). So I found this little place on Yonge Street where I'd go and have
a massage. You know how it is after a day's work: your muscles get tight and you
need to relax.
Anyway, it was really great and I met some nice people I could talk to and tell
them about my problems. They were really kind and it was a place to go. Better
than roaming the streets, eh, Ma?
Well, one evening I go to the club (I kinda liked to call it that) and they had
closed. It seemed a couple of local lawmakers didn't like the services they were
providing, but I think it's because they didn't have one of those licences which
let people listen to your problems. I think they're called psychiatrists. I also
heard they moved out to Scarborough, but that's a long way to go.
Well, with my club gone, I decided to take in some culture. (You know how you're
always on to me about not having enough culture.) I decided that I would take
in one of those foreign films which never say much but are supposed to be full
of culture.
The foreign magazines and newspapers said that the movie Pretty Baby was the best
movie to come along in a decade, but wouldn't you know it? Some ding-dong who
does nothing else but look at movies all day said that I couldn't see it. Something
about it being bad for my mind because it was about prostitutes. But then, I know
about prostitutes because I'm always reading the Bible. Maybe this fellow should
read the Bible.
I was really at my wit's end, Ma. I just didn't know what to do with myself until
one of the guys I work with suggested we go to the baseball game. Now you know
how much I like going to a baseball game so I off I went.
The weather was great and it had nearly everything a man could want. Popcorn,
peanuts, hot dogs and water. Yes! Water, Ma! They don't serve beer in this baseball
park, although I did see a lot of people sucking on brown paper bags. Boy! Those
Torontonians sure are funny.
I heard later it was one of those funny local lawmakers who put the kibosh on
the beer because .he didn't want anybody vomiting over his kids and he wanted
to protect the umpires from having beer bottles thrown at them. Doesn't he know
that baseball and beer go together? And how in tarnation can you hurt the umpire
if the beer comes in paper cups?
To top everything off, I found out that you can't buy this magazine in Ontario!
Its okay for the rest of Canada, but I guess that the people here in Ontario are
different, although they really don't look any different from you or me. But maybe
they like being told what they should do, see and read.
So, Ma, that's my story. If you are considering coming to visit me in the fall
you'd better tell young Jamie to bring his own bottle if he wants a drink. I know
he'll be eighteen in October, but they have some crazy law here that says he can't
drink until he's nineteen, although if he's eighteen now he can have a drink.
Somebody went screwy on that one, eh?
Anyway, don't worry about your favorite son because I'm being a good boy (I don't
have any choice). I'm working hard and going to bed pretty early.
Love from your son.
P.S. Would it worry you if I decided to become a monk?
